We’re barely into January and already, I can’t wait for the year ahead in movies. It’s a big year with some big hitters lined up and some movies that sadly look like they’re going to disappoint anyone who pulls out cash out of his or her wallet. So here goes with the help of GIFs and in order of approximated release dates at time of writing, let’s get excited or dismayed at the line up of flicks 2015 will be bringing us.
Taken 3 (Already Out In Theaters)
January is the graveyard month for movies. The first Taken was pretty darn awesome, although it turned out to be one of those movies where the trailer was actually far better than the film itself. Taken 2 turned out to be pretty disappointing so I’d honestly rather you spend the time catching up on the Oscar hopefuls for 2015, but if you really want to catch this, I guess you’ll feel your money is being taken again for a third time. Just the fact that it’s being released in January should be an indicator of the movie’s quality. Reviews have been predictably bad.
Reaction: Loki shares my thoughts.
The Wachowskis are masters at making awe inspiring movies that no one really seems to understand completely. After 2012’s 3 hour Cloud Atlas, the siblings are back at it again with Jupiter Ascending, (to my best understanding) a tale about alien god-like beings who harvest evolved creatures once they are um… evolved enough, in order to stay young forever. Mila Kunis plays a human who is secretly one of those gods, which pisses off the other gods. And Channing Tatum plays a genetically engineered solider/Kunis’ bodyguard… with Javier Bardem style hair. Again, this will probably be decent to good but I’m pretty sure I won’t understand the deeper meaning of it.
Reaction: Confused Joaquin Phoenix says it best.
Fifty Shades of Grey
So we probably all know by now that Fifty Shades of Grey is a shoddily written Twilight fanfic about a really kinky weirdo billionaire and an innocent college student that ups the sex factor with graphic depictions of BDSM sex, right? So, it’s the sex. That’s the only freaking point of the whole shebang, right? Nothing more to it? Okay.
Well, sorry to kill the mood but leading man Jamie “The Golden Torso” Dornan has already revealed to the world what they won’t be seeing: no full frontal nudity… hence, no billionaire dong. Anticipation levels -9000.
Reaction: Take it away, ambivalent Christoph Waltz.
BONUS! Die hard Fifty Shades fans/Fifty Shaders (What the hell are they called? I don’t care) to everyone else:
From director Neil Blomkamp, comes Chappie, about a robot who can think and most importantly, feeeeeeeeeel. No doubt, coming off District 9, just about everyone was excited for Elysium, with bald Matt Damon in an exo-suit and everything. Well, Elysium was kinda disappointing, with a rather unsatisfying third act that seemed to take all the possible shortcuts available. Blomkamp has a great chance to redeem himself here and from what we can see… it’s looking pretty awesome. There’s a very Rise of The Planet of The Apes vibe about the story, with its “Why don’t the humans understand us?!” feel, which I’m always a fan of. Plus, the talent pool is supreme, with frequent Blomkamp collaborator Sharlto Copley as the robot Chappie, with Hugh Jackman AND Sigourney Weaver as the villains. Wolverine the bad guy… hmmm.
Reaction: Smart Robot. Much Conflict. So Excites. Don’t let me down again, Neil Blomkamp.
Other movies in the month of March: Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (Another one? Whatever.) Cinderella (Kenneth Branagh as director is an interesting choice.) The Divergent Series: Insurgent (The first one was alright, although “alright” hardly bodes well for interest in a sequel.)
Yes haters. We hear you. The Fast and Furious franchise doesn’t make sense. It’s corny/cheesy. The last one defied physics at times, it even had a 20-minute runway sequence, for the love of God.
I literally don’t care. Since the 5th one, the series has just become ridiculously entertaining. It has evolved into something ridiculously good: just two plus hours of guaranteed stupidly good fun and I love that. I enjoy the impossible stunts and the hilariously bad dialogue. There’s parachuting cars in this one, for crying out loud. I’m ready for the extreme irony of Vin Diesel stressing home the importance of family again, while you know, ending the families of other people by killing them with high powered cars. Adding Jason Statham? Genius. Plus, The Rock is in this one. I’ll watch anything with The Rock. Dude is just a pure entertainer.
Reaction: A Vin quote, from a movie that I will stop to see through to the end if I catch it on cable TV… ladies and gentlemen, the masterpiece xXx.
Other movies in April: Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (Huh? This sequel took 6 years to be released? What????????)
Avengers: Age of Ultron
Welp. This already looks amazing. The stakes are even higher, yet it doesn’t really feel like a retread. To cut a long story short: I’m excited for more Avengers interaction and squabbles. James Spader as Ultron is creepy. Hulkbuster Iron Man vs Hulk? Sold. Hulk and Widow dating? Thor’s pissed at Stark? Wait, everyone is pissed at Stark? Is this the start of Tony Stark’s downward spiral? so many questions! The post-Avengers 2 Marvel Cinematic Universe excites me.
Reaction: As Stan Lee would say, ‘Nuff Said.
Mad Max: Fury Road
Wow. That was an incredibly visceral trailer. I’m kind of at a loss for words right now. It’s been 30 years since the last Mad Max movie. Tom Hardy replaces Mel Gibson as the titular character and series creator George Miller is still at the helm of this, which is somewhat comforting I guess. Other than that, I don’t know what it’s about. Apparently, Mad Max helps a woman named Imperator Furiosa (Charlize Theron) to cross the desert, filled with savages and breathtaking sandstorms. What the hell does that mean, you ask? I don’t know. Why you would help someone named Imperator Furiousa or seek help from a dude named Mad Max… I don’t know either. But hey, awesome looking trailer, amirite guys?
Reaction: Woah. Did you see what I just saw?
Pitch Perfect 2
Pitch Perfect was one of 2013’s most pleasant surprises. I thought the singing was really fantastic and I found myself humming the mashups in the movie for months on end. And of course, that Cups song. Rebel Wilson and most of the humour in the movie was on point and most importantly, it made the world of college A-cappella, something incredibly dorky by all standards of measurement, an incredibly interesting one. The premise of a world championships does sound a little too Step Up for my tastes but I have faith in Anna Kendrick and co. I am as excited for Pitch Perfect 2 as any hetero straight male could ever be. I’m finding that to be a pretty high level.
Reaction: Have my blessings, Pitch Perfect 2. You be awesome now.
Well yes George Clooney, I would like to go to that place.
Again, I feel like a broken radio but we don’t know much about this one. It’s cool though as this teaser, unlike modern trailers that pretty much give away the entire movie, goes old school on us all, with just a small tease of what’s to come. What we know: Clooney plays plays a hermit and failed inventor named Frank Walker who “knows more about Tomorrowland than he wants to tell.” A former boy genius, he’s now a bitter old man, living in an old farm house isolated from all technology. Britt Robertson plays Casey Newton, an optimist girl from Florida who crosses paths with Clooney when she discovers the pin. The movie is said to be heavily inspired by Steven Spielberg’s classic Close Encounters of The Third Kind.
Plus, it’s directed by Brad Bird, the guy who gave us The Mighty Giant, The Incredibles, Ratatouille and Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. Dude is an artist. Total potential stumbling block: the film is written by Damon Lindelof, whose penchant for mystery, suspense and plot twists have ruined quite a few things I was previously excited about. But still, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt.
Reaction: Expect science. Discovery. Ooooh yes.
San Andreas 3D
Like I said earlier, I’ll watch anything with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. San Andreas though, has to do more to hook me in for this movie. Disaster movies have been done to death and watching torture porn of Los Angeles getting wrecked to bits isn’t enough to make me get hyped. So hopefully, the human element of the story is fleshed out enough for the film to truly excel.
Reaction: I’m with Batman on this one.
Jurrasic Park. Fun! Irresponsible scientists experimenting. Killer dinosaurs. Run! Not so fun anymore.
It’s okay, I guess. We know how Jurassic Park movies work. I’m more interested if Chris Pratt’s wonderful 2014 can carry over into 2015. I think it can. I believe in Chris Pratt.
Reaction: This is how much I believe in the guy right now. Unbelievable.
We didn’t have a Pixar movie last year. I guess you don’t know what you’ve got… until it’s gone, eh?
And while Brave was a perfectly acceptable movie… it didn’t really soar. Inside Out though, seems different. Pixar’s swagger is kind of back. Emotions as characters? That’s probably the most original thing I’ve seen in a while. This could be really good.
Reaction: We pray for this movie to be as good as it can be.
We start to enter the realm of movies that are far enough to not have a trailer yet. I can’t really believe that Ted happened 2 years ago. Feels like an eternity now. The Thunder song was cute, Ted said vulgar things… we get it. Things haven’t been great for Seth MacFarlane since then though. He hosted the Oscars, which makes him pretty uncool by default and last year’s A Million Ways To Die In The West was about as pointless as any movie could be. (And I kinda like pointless movies. But this wasn’t the good kind.) It flopped really hard at the theatres too.
Still, Mark Wahlberg can be wicked funny as a comedic guy. Unlikely sources of comedy are present – Morgan Freeman and Liam Neeson are in this, which will probably make for some sweet gags. So, there’s some promise. I’m really wary of the switch of female leads from Mila Kunis to Amanda Seyfried though. Hopefully, it’s not one of those things where the sequel reduces the main character to the same sorry state he was in at the start of the first movie in a desperate bid to recreate the success of the original movie.
Reaction: Han Solo’d.
That wraps it up for the first half of the year, stay tuned for the preview of the 2nd half of 2015! Let us know: What are you excited for? Or are there any ill fated movies on the horizon for you?